He also has incredible insight. To describe what is right about what you yourself are saying in your blog above I only engage in casual sex with a man when I believe he will be skilled with it. And you are right that if a man wants to have casual sex with women he should make himself aware of what is required as it is true that she will not be as quickly and easily pleased as he is capable of being.
For sure relationships are a good thing but it is also important and I believe healthy to get enough sex when not in a relationship and also maybe a causal sex partner as well as a relationship partner is appropriate with the consent of the relationship partner. Maybe this paragraph is what you mean by times have changed, though I am not so sure John Gray would completely disagree with what I am saying anyway. Lyndsay Katauskas, Surely the study of human sexuality, one of the most important aspects of our being, needs no defense.
Result may conflict with your personal moral values or those of your mentor or employer? I agree that gender differences are not the biggest area for people to focus upon when dealing with relational issues.
It is a stepping off point. I believe all of us are always growing and changing. Increasing your gender intelligence is only one facet of growing in your emotional and developmental maturity. He addresses relationship beliefs, and explains the normal growth and development for people as they grow in maturity. The material focuses on how people can strengthen their relationships, on building up skill sets that helps them cope with the changing dynamics of relationships.
His work appeals to mainstream society, because it is easy to understand and implement the principles regardless of how much or how little you have read of his work. Most people in society do not hold doctorates or masters degrees, and when the research is kept within the parameters of peer-reviewed journals or kept within the confines of treatment by a mental health professional is it to the benefit or detriment of those we all are most wishing to help—the people in the relationships that are asking for guidance, help, tips, and suggestions to make them healthier?
I believe John Gray chose the route he did so that he could affect change on a global level. He has a gift of being able to wade through research to find the common themes throughout. And, when writing his books for the general public you know as well as I do that if it were written in a scholarly format it would lose most people, and turn them off to the help they wish to find.
I invite you to read this article, Creating Passion Once Upon a Honeymoon for further understanding of why Mars Venus material appeals and is effective for a lot of people trying to figure out and increase the health of their relationships on their own.
There is a time and place for which writing style we choose to use based on our target audience. He explains generalities in ways that sits well with people. In no way does his material encourage people to be insular or give them more freedom to be ignorant of the differing needs of their peers, colleagues, close family, or friends. His material never demeans or claims that his interpretation is the only way to understand or make relationships better.
Over and over he says listen to what is right for you, you know your situation, and are ultimately responsible for your actions. If people feel more comfortable receiving treatment from a relationship scientist, then this is where they will go for the information to help their relationships.
It will come down to preference, and where a person feels safe to explore their inner workings. The fallacy can lie in believing only one way is right, or for something to be credible it has to be credentialed. The true test of whether information helps people is determined by how well the information can be internalized and then directly applied to improve their daily quality of life over their lifetime.
I believe both your goal and my goal is ultimately to help people have better relationships. The bottom line is as helping professionals, what are we ALL doing to ensure positive growth in relationships, from the inside-out focusing internally on making our values congruent with our outer world, and then externally in the dynamics of our relationships with others over our lifetime. I appreciate the discourse you have opened up. Seeing that relationship science is in and of itself a relatively new field of study, and the fact that John Gray has been developing his material for over 20 years and is widely popular cross-culturally in the general public; conducting research in this arena by your research scientists would lend credibility to your cause as well.
Try looking at it this way: It is for this reason that I continue to focus mainly on exploring gender differences because it is so sorely missing in the general consciousness of those seeking to improve their relationships. Your long and unlettered argument relies on obfuscation much too heavily. That is, if one does not become bored and move on to other tasks but perseveres in attempting to understand you, it is not convincing in the slightest. Thank you for concluding with your credentials and verifying what I would have suspected anyways.
I can almost hear the jangling of coins in your pocket behind every word. Yes, you have been paid to defend John Gray and his theories. Your zealotry comes wholesale. I daresay the organically-grown brand of such is higher quality, but it is seldom bought. If we are deficient in any vitamin, it is a tonic of skepticism and evidence-based reasoning that we are in need of, and not the false salves of anecdotal evidence and broad generalizations that have led the public astray in the past and promise no new insights now.
It may be palatable to reinforce sterotypes and lazily reason that things are the way they are because that is how they were meant to be. Nutritionless food tends to be palatable. In your defense of Dr. You go on to suggest that Dr. Gray is simply communicating research findings in a way that is appealing to laypeople.
In fact, our position is quite the opposite. We fully agree with you that it is important for research findings to have mainstream outlets. Gray were communicating actual research findings, we would applaud his work. Unfortunately, the problem is that Dr. In fact, it contradicts well-established findings on relationship maintenance and relationship well-being. Rather, many of them have been tested and discredited.
Finally, I also feel the need to respond to Dr. Speaking as a relationship scientist myself, I can tell you that it is common practice to test for gender effects in every study my colleagues and I run, and I know the same is true of many others in the field. So, when you come across a relationship study that does not mention gender, it is unlikely that gender effects were not tested for.
It is much more likely that there were no gender effects to report, as has been my experience with most of my own findings. Unfortunately, and in contradiction to established scientific research, the public perception pervades that men and women think, feel, and behave drastically differently in the context of romantic relationships.
This may come from stereotypes, it may result from the media, or it may even be the work of self-help book writers such as Dr. But I can tell you one thing about this belief: First of all, I would like to thank Samantha Joel for a well-articulated argument regarding the scientific literature on gender and relationships.
I would also like to add that, if one is going to condone using phrases such as "gender intelligence", one might want to be careful how they are defining intelligence; the general public believing that men and women are vastly different certainly doesn't equate with intelligence. In fact, the only thing it equates with is the aforementioned availability of information e.
John Gray's mass-produced self-help books versus an empirically backed scientific article pointing to contrary evidence. Furthermore, I implore that you use a more relevant example.
I don't think it makes much logical sense to compare the body's need for various vitamins to the behaviors exhibited by men and women. You are assuming that they both have the same fundamental basic make-up, which they do not, thereby ruining your argument from the beginning. Allow me to illustrate: You say that "all vitamins are important to the body's health but if one vitamin is overlooked and we are deficient in it, then certainly it becomes the most important vitamin. By putting forth your "gender intelligence" you are only propagating this deficiency because you're allowing an outlet for people to, let say, chalk it up to differences.
Don't you think it would be more fruitful to focus on getting a more balanced intake of vitamins and minerals than isolating yourself to the one causing your deficiency? If I get into an argument with my spouse, I have less motivation to effectively solve the problem because, well, he's a man and is thus "different" from me.
Gray, if you insist upon continuing your endeavor to back-track, despite the amass of scientific literature available to YOU, then I simply ask that you discriminate yourself from the scientific community so as not to confuse the general public and question their so-called "intelligence. I think we need to be very careful when using clients as our basis for facts and credibility. Gray specifically set up credible research studies with his clients and published these findings?
Have these findings been peer reviewed? Have his results been replicated in future studies by other professionals? Gray has observed characteristics he finds to be true within his office, his sessions, and within society. That's perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with that.
We do it every day as individuals in a variety of capacities. He has an opinion on a subject he sees in his office often.
However, an opinion is not science. An opinion that fuels theory and books is not science. Shouldn't the scientific research come before the books? Is it me or did Mars Venus Coaching just ask the opposing researchers to test their theories for them?
The opposing researchers found different results and the responsibility of defending Gray's theories is on him, not the opposing researchers. Gray's books are popular, but not science. They're enjoyable to read for many, but not science. They help a great number of people gain insight into their relationship and communication patterns, but not science. It's a self-help book that many relate to, but not science. If the books were science-based, I'd love to read the studies.
I hope that Lyndsay Katauskas and Mars Venus Coaching decide to pursue studies to test their theories. It's wonderful for the scientific community to challenge each other and continue these important social discussions. Thank you for the comments; I take them all to heart. My intention before I write or say something is to assume goodwill. I seek truth, congruency, and mutual respect when interacting with others. When I asked my original question, I was pondering the intention behind publishing an article about casual sex with ulterior motives where people reading the article would find justification in continuing to have relationships lacking emotional depth and maturity.
As helping professionals we have an ethical responsibility to be fully present for our clients, and to be able to hear them without prejudice or believing the fallacy that we know better than they do what is right for them. This is not based on a religious belief, but a spiritual value I hold of coming from a place of unconditional love, and hoping others do the same. Women who are looking for a discreet casual encounter have boyfriends or husbands.
They are not looking to date or start new relationship; they just want an nsa casual encounter hookup. All my life I've always been "The Good Girl. My body looks great and I feel better than I have about it in years. And I want to be able to say that I had some kind of fun for once in my life. The beauty of it is that I have no emotional attachment, and that all I want is a wonderful romp. He Loves Me Not What the latest research says about the benefits and risks of growing close.
How the small things we do for our partners could be harming our relationships. Back Find a Therapist. Lessons You Won't Learn In School Here are 10 skills that will clarify your visions and bring you closer to your life goals. Why Do We Flirt by Text? Menopause and Your Sleep Cycle. World Cup Strategy and the Psychology of Success. Are You a Beautiful Questioner? I occasionally hung out with her for a brief coffee and a nice substantial chat, nothing more.
What led to it? One night my friend was somewhere out partying, so jokingly I asked it might have been her also if I should drop by. I bought a bottle of wine and she had some as well. We even had to get a refill, so alcohol was definitely a factor. We spoke for hours and somehow ended up on the couch together.
With my judgement impaired I made a move on her and she reciprocated. After making out for a while we realised what a pandoras box we had opened. We made a quick decision to head out before her boyfriend got back and get some fresh air to cool down. We went to a bar, but it was hard to keep hands off each other. We decided to get a cab home and I apparently asked her to come to my place. Thankfully she was conscious enough to think it was a bad plan. I was so glad to wake up alone the next morning.
I did, however, not have such good luck about a week later, when she had a party at their place. My mate was at work, so she was with two of her former colleagues a dude and a girl, whom I did not know. I could see why she wanted some company. We had a few drinks at a bar and it was already pretty apparent some coupling was happening, especially with her arm neatly tucked around mine.
As we exuberantly consumed even more liquor, the party slowly started to unwind. When it was time to head home, we got a cab, but this time we were heading to my place. What sexual behaviors took place e. How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? As soon as we got to my place, I pushed her on my bed and started making out with her.
Without a lot of thought process I then moved her to the side of the bed and practically ripped her stockings off. She was very well maintained. My mind is quite foggy on the details, but there was definitely some cowgirl action involved. I had to wake up early the next morning, so after a brief nap we gave it another go, before getting a cab downtown. I dropped her off and went to get some business done, hungover as hell, trying not to overthink what just had happened.
Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner s? I had, but I strongly doubt she did. What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history?
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